Compassion, control, calm and patience are the tools required to fix the mess created by infidelity. Yes, there was cheating. Yes, your partner feels justified. Yes, there is interest in saving the relationship.
Remember, they didn’t leave the relationship in the first place. There is a piece of love, and maybe even respect buried in there. That love has been covered, dismissed and un-nurtured.
Compassion
Can you see how your partner decided to stray? Take off the hurt cloak and put on their shoes. They love you. They couldn’t communicate that they weren’t getting what they needed. There was no platform for negotiation. So, they became resourceful. They found companionship somewhere else.
This is manifested in many ways such as entertainment obsession, hobby obsession, child-rearing obsession, work obsession and household obsession. They will throw themselves at anything so they can forget that the primary relationship isn’t working.You have a key role in the affair. You have been absent, non-communicative or unwilling to negotiate.
When you can see their point of view, you have used the tools calm, control and compassion. You have managed to check your hurt at the door momentarily. This is the part most people don’t achieve. Everyone knows and understands that you are hurt. You constantly focusing all conversations around your hurt only proves that you are a drama queen.
Control
Announce your hurt once. Get your partner to acknowledge that he is the source of that hurt. Then, move on to negotiation. If your partner refuses to acknowledge that he has caused you pain, then you are in a relationship without any shred of respect and move on.
Calm
Once both sides of the story are revealed, there needs to be time set aside for reflection. Ideally, you both want to come back with proposals of what you want out of the relationship. Please, do some real analysis. Do not, I repeat, do not factor finances, children or the amount of time spent together. Do you really want to be in a relationship with this person?
Next, it is time to roll up the sleeves and get to work. Remember, you were part of the mess and you get to help clean it up. You are going to revert to carrying a grudge. It is so easy to slip into. Remember, do you want him carrying a grudge about you?
Patience
Repair will not be quick. Repair starts with looking at the big picture, cutting off your pointer fingers (metaphorically) and binding you and your partners legs together like in a 3-legged race. It won’t be pretty and you have to communicate. It will not be easy getting to the next phase of your relationship. It will seem like every day is a challenge. Then one morning, you’ll wake up and you’ll realize that you’ve made it. You trust your partner and you know that together you can tackle some really big problems from now on.