If you polled most couples therapists chances are that they would say the number one complaint that people have when they seek couples therapy is communication. I would estimate that over 90% of people who contact me for couples therapy provide this as the reason they need help.
The issues that couples have difficulty communicating with one another may vary from money to how to raise the kids to sex or, worse yet, an inability to agree on anything. On the surface most couples will say that if they just learned how to talk about these issues better then everything in their relationship would improve.
If you listen very closely and watch the way couples interact with one another you will see that what each partner actually wants is not so much better communication but for their partner to see their point of view and agree with him or her. And because each partner is so tightly connected to this unspoken belief a never ending power struggle develops.
Why is this? Just why is it so hard for couples to break away from power struggles?
More often than not, it all boils down to one simple reason.
Every communication consists of three levels, the first two of which are:
1.Concrete Level – This is what the fight or power struggle appears to be about – sex, money, time spent at work, how to raise the kids, etc…
2.Emotional Level – How the power struggle makes each partner feel – angry, alone, misunderstood, unloved, etc..
Couples remain trapped because they focus on these two levels and never really get to the bottom the issue(s).
Successful couples therapy acknowledges these issues, but doesn’t spend a whole lot of time focusing on them because they are manifestations of the third and most important level of communication:
3.Identity Level – If I compromise on this how much of my identity am I giving up? What does that mean to who I am as a person?
By its very definition being in a relationship means changing one’s identity. But how much is one comfortable with it? An unspoken fear for many is that compromising too much within the context of a relationship means losing oneself. As time passes there is a constant give and take – one is comfortable going along with this, but not with something else.
Power struggles and never ending fights usually arise because compromising on a certain issue means giving up something very basic and at core of one’s sense of identity and security. For example a couple that fights about money may actually be fighting about freedom vs. security. For the partner who spends more money may represent a sense of freedom and to be told that s/he can’t spend the way s/he wants represents losing that sense of autonomy. For the other, spendthrift ways may represent a threat to his or her sense of security and spending money in certain ways may threaten his or her sense of basic safety.
More often than not these fears have their roots in childhood experiences and couples may only be vaguely aware what makes an issue so powerful to them. If they are engaged in a power struggle the chances are very good that they are not talking about the issue at the identity level.
The goal of couples therapy is to help couples recognize and discuss problems on the identity level, oftentimes connecting this to childhood. Once they are able to do this a sense of understanding and empathy oftentimes naturally develops and they are able to find a peaceful resolution to their problems.